Author: City Grown Willow

☕ Coffee Addict Married to J, Mommy to M & C. BionicAF JDM PearlJam WaywardAF Dark&Twisty
dreams, family, love, mental shit, migraines, the past

Mended Fences

City Grown Willow

My Paternal Grandma passed away early this morning. I woke to texts from each my Dad and my Auntie. My Grandma and I had a rocky relationship….. I didn’t even know her until I was 18. My dad wasn’t around and my Grandma denied that I was his. My mom wrote a letter to her when I was a senior in High School, giving them an opportunity to respond to me and be in my life if they wanted and then allow me to decide if I wanted them in my life. My mom sent her some pictures of me with the letter…and I look just like my father and my brother. No denying I’m his anymore. She did respond and then I responded. I met her the summer I graduated. We were building a relationship until I was in college and she found out what my political beliefs were and she said she couldn’t accept me…I didn’t speak to that side of my family for another 6 years and even after reconnecting again, things were rocky…she hadn’t acknowledged her wrong and I hadn’t forgiven.

Last year, she came down with Covid and while in isolation in the hospital I was the first person she told my Aunt she wanted to talk to and say goodbye because they didn’t think she was going to survive. We spoke via video chat on several occasions. And she asked for forgiveness and wanted me to know she did love me, she even asked my mom for forgiveness and wanted her to know she had done a great job raising me and that she loved her for that. My mom and I forgave her…and it was like this huge weight had been lifted off of both of us…all of that anger just melted away. I do wish I could have seen her again before she went, but I am glad we had that chance to talk and to make amends and find closure.

Grandma, I hope you’re flying high and resting easy, once again reunited with Grandpa.

On another note, I awoke today with a full-blown migraine…and I’ve been wondering if it could have anything to do with her passing. Like subconsciously, in my sleep, dream state did I know? Did I cry and get upset in my dreams and tense up giving myself this horrific migraine? I don’t know, it’s one of those things we can’t really ever know, but something interesting to think about.

Creative, family, love, Makeup, mental shit, migraines, piercings, Uncategorized

Update on me…

City Grown Willow
Medusa

Yes, it’s real. I got the Medusa Piercing, inspired by Bailey Sarian. I’ve had it for 2 weeks as of tomorrow… Love it… Obsessed! Lol This was a method of self-care for me.

So I have been going through a lot… PPD and PPA and a resurgence of my bipolar cycling. Trying to get that under control as well as my migraines. I have a migraine today… Think it’s menstrual… Got my period back… Lol can’t say I missed it while I was pregnant.

Before the Medusa, but a makeup lewk I loved.
Was feeling the grunge that day.

One way I do self-care is makeup… And this is why I love Bailey Sarian so much, she inspires me… I also do my nails. I paint them myself weekly. I’m trying to grow them back now.

I tried to recreate Bailey’s look, but didn’t have the right green, I still liked it though. I really want to get that green!
This week’s mani… I need new black polish… it’s getting thick. Lol
family, friends, love, mental shit, the past

World Bipolar Day

City Grown Willow

I’ve talked about being bipolar many times, so many of you know I have it. Today is World Bipolar Day. It’s held on March 30th, which is Vincent Van Gogh’s birthday, because he was posthumously diagnosed to have likely been Bipolar.

If anyone has questions, I am always open to give you my best answers and discuss it.

My diagnosis came at age 28, 13 years after my symptoms began. I was treated from age 15 to 28 as having depression. I even had my first doctor when I was 15 put me on prozac with the statement “It works for your mother, it will work for you.” However, my mom did have depression so it worked, it did not work for me, and that asshole refused to believe me and change it. I got that diagnosis 10 years ago… And it changed everything… However, it took another 5 years or so to get the meds right.

Currently, I am battling the return of heavy symptoms along with PPD and PPA. I’m kind of a mess… But I am sharing all this, in hopes we can end the stigma… Not just for Bipolar, but for mental illness in general. We are not people who need to be feared, we need to be supported, understood and loved, even when we are difficult to love.

#endthestigma #WorldBipolarDay

dreams, family, love, migraines

Baby Arrived!

City Grown Willow

She actually came early! But I’ve been so exhausted I hadn’t even thought about writing until now. On the morning of January 29th, I went to the OB for a check up and non-stress test. Her monitor/heart rhythm had them concerned, so I was sent over to the L&D Dept at the hospital for an ultrasound and further monitoring. After the ultrasound, it turned out she was perfectly fine, but I was not. My BP was through the roof! Which explains why I had felt awful that entire week. I had developed Pre-eclampsia. The doctor on call came in and talked to me about how high my BP was and said they were admitting and inducing me. I was 37 weeks and 1 day. They started a magnesium drip as well, and it was awful…it gave me a migraine I then had for 4 days. I was in labor after being induced for 38 hours. Once dilated, I pushed for 2.5 hours and she was stuck, so we ended up in an emergency c-section. When the doctor told me we were moving to a c-section, I don’t think I could have been happier… I just had nothing left in me to give. She was born at 5:24am on January 31st. 6lbs 6oz and 19.3 inches. She was perfect! Her name is Morticia. She had to stay in the NICU for 5 days due to a breathing episode she had which was caused by the magnesium drip that I had to have. She lost over a lb in the hospital and I was so worried, but she is gaining it back. I’m not breast feeding, I’m bottle feeding and we’re making our own formula which is working so well. I’m not breast feeding because I knew I would need to get back on my migraine medications and they’re not safe for her. I wanted to be the best mommy I can be so I can take care of her.

She is a month old now, and as of today weighs 8lbs 9oz. She looks just like me…I made these side by side comparisons to my baby pics…it’s wild! She’s so beautiful and I still can’t believe we made her.

I’ve been telling people that I believe she saved my life. If they hadn’t thought something was wrong with her amniotic fluid due to her heart rate, they wouldn’t have sent me to the hospital and my Pre-eclampsia might not have been caught. At the highest, my BP was 190 over 95. So she’s my little angel!

We are so completely in love with her!

Pics from the hospital.

family, friends, mental shit, the past

Hormones are bullshit!

City Grown Willow

I wrote about it when it happened in January. I was litereally ghosted by my best friend of 23 years. First I got angry… like really angry. Then I became indifferent. I just didn’t care because I felt she couldn’t show me the consideration of an explanation, why should I give a shit. Then I got pregnant, and my hormones are out of control and have my emotions all over the place. I can go from raging angry to bawling in just minutes…

I haven’t been bawling over Taylor, but it’s been weighing heavily on me… bothering me a lot. So, I decided to reach out, I emailed her, because I’m blocked on Social and I deleted her phone number when this happened out of anger. So, I wrote an email, saying it was for closure on my part… though, it made me feel better immediately when I sent it… and I didn’t, honestly, expect a reply, but it’s bothering me that she didn’t. I mean who does that? Who throws 23 years away without so much as an explanation? I don’t know what I said or did and she didn’t tell me, she just suddenly blocked me on Social… that is literally how I found out, by trying to look at her IG or FB, I don’t remember which, but I went and I was blocked and removed. I always try to talk to someone when I’m upset with them, and I’d extended that courtesy to her in the past… and yet, here we are. I’m left wondering.

And being pregnant with all these damn hormones has me all up in my damn feels over it. I mean if I knew that I had said or done something shitty… then maybe it wouldn’t bother me… but I didn’t. And if she thinks I did then she took something I said the wrong way, and couldn’t even say anything. I don’t want to have feelings over this anymore, it’s stupid. It was 8 months ago and why should I care anymore… but here we are. And in the email I said, if you reply, cool, if not, no worries. I guess I just thought that she would reply… even if just something brief… I dunno. It’s all so damn stupid… If you are mad at a friend… fucking talk to them, tell them why, if you can’t work it out, then Okay, by all means go your separate ways, but at least give them a chance… especially if it’s been 23 fucking years.

23 years. We met the first day of high school and were immediately inseparable best friends. We talked to each other essentially every day. When we were in school, we were together every day and if we weren’t, we passed notes. After HS when we got cell phones, we texted every single day… all day, every day, even back when it was T9 texting before smart phones. So, to say I’m hurt is a truth. I’m hurt that she couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to me first. I can’t know what was going on in her head, or what is… but I valued our friendship more than that, more than to just throw away 23 years over… over I don’t know what! And I thought she did to.

On another note I am 17 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. Everything is going well. We will find out the sex on October 1st and then my friend Tracy and her daughter are doing a gender reveal photoshoot with me… I have it planned, it’s gonna be super cute and fun and themed for October… and I promise no fires will be started like the morons in California.

family, mental shit, the past

All up in my head today…

City Grown Willow

I am feeling very low today. It’s about my “father” or rather, biological sperm donor. He was never around… supposedly we’re friends now, but I feel like that’s a load of shit really, and guess why…? Because I stand on the stark opposite side of politics as him and I think it pisses him off. I know where he stands and while yes, it bothers me, I let it go because I stand on the stark opposite side of it as my mother, too, but guess what? We can still get along and just don’t discuss politics anymore.

He doesn’t care enough about me for that to be the case though. I don’t know why it surprises me anymore, or why it still bothers me, but it does. To the point that typing this I’m almost in tears.

This is HIS problem… it is NOT mine. It’s not that I’m not good enough. It’s that I’m too good and he can’t handle me. I KNOW this TRUTH, but it still hurts.

I’m pregnant and when I told him, I got “wow…congrats” that was it. That was 7 weeks ago, and he hasn’t checked on me or asked how I am since. He never texts me, I always text first. My brother and his wife just had their fourth baby last month and my father gets super excited over that… but not for me.

He does not care. He does not love me. He didn’t really mean it when he said he was sorry for not being there for me. He has never meant one word he has said to me in the last 11 years. That is clear now.

According to my aunt, his sister… their mother, my grandmother, whom I have not said 5 words to since I was 20 is excited for us. My aunt is thrilled. She told me she sees how he is with my brother and she sees how he is with me and she understands because she has never felt like he loved her either…she’s his little sister and he doesn’t even care about her… there must be something seriously and fundementally wrong with him.

And no, this shouldn’t upset me as much as it does after almost 38 years… but it does. My aunt told me not to say anything, that nothing good would come from it… and she’s probably right. I just want to say something SO BADLY. I want the asshole to know how he makes me feel… I’d hope he would feel bad, but he’s probably not capable of it.

And now I am in tears.

https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/When-Daddy-Dont-Love-Their-Daughters-What-Happens-to-Women-Whose-Fathers-Werent-There-for-Them

Uncategorized

Stuff and Thangs

City Grown Willow

I have not written since February… before the world went crazy!

So, I haven’t stopped working, as I am an Essential Worker. It’s me and one co worker in the office most days…and on Tuesdays, I’m completely by myself. It kinda sucks. Oh, well, by myself except for the ghost lady that lives in my office. I’m 100% sure of her existence. I see her walk by the window of my office, and I always think it’s my coworker who wears all black but then, said coworker never appears…I’m not freaked out by her presence, in fact I’ve started saying hi to her and I am sure it’s a female. This building is oldAF, and who knows what might have happened here in the past…but I’m positive of her existence…lol

This covid shit sucks…I miss my friends and family and getting together for dinner and shit like that. However, J and I did accomplish getting the kitchen remodel half done…well, we’re not completely done with the one half yet, but it’s awesome, we just have finishing touches. The second half will cost a lot more so it’s a little bit off still just like the bathroom. All the floors downstairs have been replaced as well, except for the tiny bedroom and the laundry room, but they will be soon.

I do have big big news!

My eggo is preggo…

Yup, I am pregnant. I know we had decided to adopt, but then in February I changed my mind about that…not that adoption isn’t great, but I really just wanted to experience this. The whole thing. So I had my IUD taken out, and we started trying again, but I decided not to stop my medications for migraines and bipolar until I actually got pregnant…and I conceived at the end of May. I’m 12 weeks along tomorrow, and Baby Britton is due February 18th 2021. We are very excited.

And let me tell you, I got what I wanted…I am experiencing it ALL! Severe morning sickness that lasts all day long. I’m exhausted, so exhausted that I don’t even feel like a functioning human most days…lol My boobs HURT like OMG, I can’t take it and they’ve gotten huge, and will only get bigger! I am bloated and full of gas all day, every day. I have baby brain which means I am extremely forgetful. My hormones are raging, I have zero tolerance for bullshit… J and I got into an argument the other day and I threw a pile of blankets at his head. LMFAO. It’s bad. #iaskedforthis

This little glo-worm(that’s what the baby looks like right now to me, is a glo-worm…lol) will only allow me to listen to a few artists as far as music goes: Hozier, Tom Petty, Metallica, Gary Allan and Luke Bryan. I can’t tolerate Pearl Jam right now… or Pink…it’s like I’m in some sort of Twilight Zone….UGH! I miss PJ! I hope that changes soon because I really need Eddie’s voice in my ears! For weeks though, it was only Hozier and Tom Petty…the rest are new to the list this week! The little glo-worm will also not allow me to drink coffee right now, which is pure torture. I miss my coffee desperately, but right now it makes me more nauseous than anything! I am really hoping that the morning sickness passes with the first trimester, which is soon, and that I don’t have it my entire pregnancy.

I wish Chyann would talk to us. She still isn’t, but is talking to my mom. I figure she must know by now that I’m pregnant, but who knows. I actually sent her a message on IG but I don’t think she ever looked at it. I just imagine she had to have found out from either my mom or J’s family by now.

UGH I took a sip of water and I’m nauseous again. It’s rough. I’m beyond ready to go home!

Also, mine and J’s 10th wedding anniversary is Friday! 11 years together and 10 married. And I love more every day…even when my hormones are making me throw blankets at his head. lol

Uncategorized

Don’t need you and never did…

City Grown Willow

My “best” friend ghosted and blocked me with no explanation. Didn’t bother to try and talk to me if I had done something to upset her. Apparently she lacks common decency. So I have blocked her back and I am done. No going back this time because, honestly, it’s not the first time she’s done something of this nature. It’s happened multiple times over the course of our 22 year friendship. Just over it!

In other news, I found my first love on IG, a while back.so I was like hmmm what’s he up to now, because he was in school for music and I was like that’s actually pretty cool because he always loved music. Well upon my latest snoop I discovered he is a Trump supporter, and I am not kidding in the slightest when I say I had a physical reaction. I gagged and threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Also, you know, a lot of time has passed since he did what he did to me. But, I’ll be damned if hearing the song “Break Down Here” by Julie Roberts, which was my break up anthem for him, doesn’t still give me goosebumps.

I’m essentially recovered from my surgery. Muscles are still a bit tight, but getting better all the time. I started wearing lip color… Which I never do except for my make up for Halloween if it’s required. And I’m kind of obsessed! I have a red, a peach and three shades of pink. Also, I shaved my head again… But now I am really going to try and grow it! 😫😂

family, friends, love, mental shit, spiritual, the past

Broken

City Grown Willow

I have really been struggling. I’ve cycled into a low… the perks of being bipolar. I feel broken right now. I feel sad, my heart hurts. Being cooped up for weeks for surgery recovery messes with you. I’ve been a lot more emotional and have cried a lot, over stuff I can’t do anything about, over stuff that hasn’t happened and probably won’t, over past things that can’t be changed and people who disappeared along the way, over silly things that aren’t important, over the character’s on the shows I’ve been watching. I’m in a low cycle of my bipolar and it sucks. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.

I’ve cried over Chyann more lately. She hates us, or thinks she does, because she blames us…I hope she figures it out eventually. I miss her. I miss my little girl. I didn’t give birth to her, she’s not my child by blood, but she is by love…and I love her so much. I raised her for nearly a decade, and it hurts to not have her here, or even speaking to us. I did stop contact with her last summer. I gave her wide opening to come and see us when we were in K-Falls for a family gathering, and she chose not to, and to not even say anything to me about it. I had to choose J, because he’s my husband, and it wasn’t fair for me to be talking to her when she wouldn’t talk to him too. I don’t think she understands that. But we both hurt over this. We both love her and always will, and we both miss her and hope that she some day finds her way back to us. Somehow.

I’ve cried over Steven recently too, and it’s not the loss of my first love, but the loss of someone I thought was my best friend for years and then he chose to just disappear from my life because he met his now wife and I guess decided there wasn’t room for me as a friend in his life anymore. Things got left messy with us, and even though I have found my true, once in a lifetime love with J, I miss my friend. The one who would argue with me over Metallica being the greatest band of all time, the one who I had to hide his Metallica paraphernalia at my place because his parents were too strict. The friend I would talk to all the way from boot camp, and write letters to when he was in Afghanistan. There is gonna be a hole there forever.

I’ve cried over Poppy and Papa Ray and Sherry and Tabby Lu. I’ve cried over the fires in Australia, I have friends there who are suffering, and my heart can’t take all the animals gone and devastation. I’ve been trying to talk J into another dog because I’ve seen so many horrors of neglect and abuse lately that I want to rescue them all, I know that’s not possible, but one more is a possibility. My heart hurts for the loss of the relationship I had with my uncle. He was like my dad…and something happened that changed the man I knew, and he’s not that man anymore. He’ll talk to me a little when I visit mamaw, but he’s not the same. We used to joke and torment each other, it hurts to watch someone you love change like that. I’ve cried because mamaw’s health is declining and I fear she may not be with us long enough to meet the child/ren we adopt. I’ve cried over that too, I’m good with adopting, I am, there are children in need but it hurts that I couldn’t make a baby with my husband.

I’ve cried over the grandpa I never got to know or even meet once who passed away this year. My dad’s dad. I never got to know him because my grandmother(and I use that term loosely, was and is not a nice woman, and she refused to believe I was my father’s when I was born, then she disowned me at 20 because she disagreed with my moral and political views. And in the 17 years since then, she said one sentence to me via FB, “Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better…” And now he’s gone and I’ll never get to meet him. My only connection is my Aunt Dixie, and she tells me he loved me, and that I remind her of him. Even my dad doesn’t talk to me bout him, so I am very thankful for my Auntie…

I’m just tired of being home alone most of the time and having time to think…my brain is overactive as it is, I was coloring to keep myself occupied but I got tired of that. So back to just binging Netflix. I binged Once Upon a Time and The Vampire Diaries…and I bawled over both.

I’ve discovered, thanks to an Amazon Alexa ad, Lewis Capaldi, his music is so good, and as a fun fact that this nerd had to find out…I saw the name Capaldi and said, oh come on, he has to be related to Peter…and he is…he is the 12th Doctor’s cousin! ❤ I’m listening to him right now and it’s probably not helping, because his music is so sad…but that’s me, in all my enneagram 4w5 glory…feeling utterly broken and listening to the saddest music I can find. As a teen, when the pain was so overwhelming, I would lay in my shitty waterbed in our shitty apartment and play the song Bleed by Cold on repeat. Lately I feel like that same broken 17 year old girl, even though it’s been 20 years.