Category: dreams

dreams, family, love, mental shit, migraines, the past

Mended Fences

City Grown Willow

My Paternal Grandma passed away early this morning. I woke to texts from each my Dad and my Auntie. My Grandma and I had a rocky relationship….. I didn’t even know her until I was 18. My dad wasn’t around and my Grandma denied that I was his. My mom wrote a letter to her when I was a senior in High School, giving them an opportunity to respond to me and be in my life if they wanted and then allow me to decide if I wanted them in my life. My mom sent her some pictures of me with the letter…and I look just like my father and my brother. No denying I’m his anymore. She did respond and then I responded. I met her the summer I graduated. We were building a relationship until I was in college and she found out what my political beliefs were and she said she couldn’t accept me…I didn’t speak to that side of my family for another 6 years and even after reconnecting again, things were rocky…she hadn’t acknowledged her wrong and I hadn’t forgiven.

Last year, she came down with Covid and while in isolation in the hospital I was the first person she told my Aunt she wanted to talk to and say goodbye because they didn’t think she was going to survive. We spoke via video chat on several occasions. And she asked for forgiveness and wanted me to know she did love me, she even asked my mom for forgiveness and wanted her to know she had done a great job raising me and that she loved her for that. My mom and I forgave her…and it was like this huge weight had been lifted off of both of us…all of that anger just melted away. I do wish I could have seen her again before she went, but I am glad we had that chance to talk and to make amends and find closure.

Grandma, I hope you’re flying high and resting easy, once again reunited with Grandpa.

On another note, I awoke today with a full-blown migraine…and I’ve been wondering if it could have anything to do with her passing. Like subconsciously, in my sleep, dream state did I know? Did I cry and get upset in my dreams and tense up giving myself this horrific migraine? I don’t know, it’s one of those things we can’t really ever know, but something interesting to think about.

dreams, family, love, migraines

Baby Arrived!

City Grown Willow

She actually came early! But I’ve been so exhausted I hadn’t even thought about writing until now. On the morning of January 29th, I went to the OB for a check up and non-stress test. Her monitor/heart rhythm had them concerned, so I was sent over to the L&D Dept at the hospital for an ultrasound and further monitoring. After the ultrasound, it turned out she was perfectly fine, but I was not. My BP was through the roof! Which explains why I had felt awful that entire week. I had developed Pre-eclampsia. The doctor on call came in and talked to me about how high my BP was and said they were admitting and inducing me. I was 37 weeks and 1 day. They started a magnesium drip as well, and it was awful…it gave me a migraine I then had for 4 days. I was in labor after being induced for 38 hours. Once dilated, I pushed for 2.5 hours and she was stuck, so we ended up in an emergency c-section. When the doctor told me we were moving to a c-section, I don’t think I could have been happier… I just had nothing left in me to give. She was born at 5:24am on January 31st. 6lbs 6oz and 19.3 inches. She was perfect! Her name is Morticia. She had to stay in the NICU for 5 days due to a breathing episode she had which was caused by the magnesium drip that I had to have. She lost over a lb in the hospital and I was so worried, but she is gaining it back. I’m not breast feeding, I’m bottle feeding and we’re making our own formula which is working so well. I’m not breast feeding because I knew I would need to get back on my migraine medications and they’re not safe for her. I wanted to be the best mommy I can be so I can take care of her.

She is a month old now, and as of today weighs 8lbs 9oz. She looks just like me…I made these side by side comparisons to my baby pics…it’s wild! She’s so beautiful and I still can’t believe we made her.

I’ve been telling people that I believe she saved my life. If they hadn’t thought something was wrong with her amniotic fluid due to her heart rate, they wouldn’t have sent me to the hospital and my Pre-eclampsia might not have been caught. At the highest, my BP was 190 over 95. So she’s my little angel!

We are so completely in love with her!

Pics from the hospital.

dreams, family, friends, love, mental shit, migraines

Major decision…

City Grown Willow

My hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 1.5 years, and no success. We had stuff check out firtility wise and it’s not bad bad, but not great either…and it’s mostly to be expected due to age. Well, I am unable to continue down this path right now because of my health. My migraines are out of control and my bipolar/anxiety has ramped up.

Last Friday, 8/23, I had to leave work early due to a headache that had me in tears, I headed to Salem and was going to Urgent Care, I started to feel like I might actually pass out from the pain, which induced a full blown panic attack and more tears. By the time u reached Urgent Care I felt like I could be having a stroke…I wasn’t, but all those things combined made me feel like it.

So Jason and I had very lengthy discussions about this journey, and decided I can’t keep living like this. I’m miserable and tired and not happy at all. We are disappointed that we were unable to create a life together, but we have decided to adopt. And we know that once we have that baby, we will love it just as much as if we had created it.

So I spoke with my headache specialist yesterday and we are putting me on Tizanidine again and trying amerge for when I have a migraine and also trying Aimovig monthly shots for prevention.

It’s like a huge weight has been lifted! I will see my Psych in 2 weeks and get my IUD in 3 weeks. I just can’t even begin to explain how relieved I feel that I can get myself healthy before we bring a baby home.

Also Jason is done with school. He passed with straight A’s and I couldn’t be more proud of him! 🖤🖤🖤 I love that man so much! He also bought me a new wedding set that is citrine, which is my favorite!

Creative, dreams, family, friends, love, the walking dead

I fucking miss Rick Grimes!

City Grown Willow

I am rewatching TWD since I have to wait until October for new ones…so I decided to start back at the beginning…I know it’s legit only been half a season, but OMG I MISS RICK GRIMES!!! Andy, why did you have to leave us??? I’m almost to the end of season 3 already…I may have time to watch it twice by October. LMAO, I am a pro at binge watching.

Some friends and I started a *Girl Gang*, we’re gonna get T-shirts and patches. It’s all about Women supporting women, empowering each other and having each other’s backs! We’re called Femme AF.

I’m not gonna get super political, but I am gonna say I’m sick of this shit, this attack on women’s rights, our right to choose what we do with our own bodies, our right to be our own person…they’re looking to strip all that away, that’s why we have to have each other’s backs…we have to stand up for ourselves and each other, and not let them win! RISE UP AND RESIST! THE FUTURE IS FEMALE!

I’m home sick today and still not feeling so well, so that’s it for today. ❤

dreams, eddie vedder, family, friends, love, migraines, pearl jam, tattoos, the past, the walking dead, weightloss journey

tid bits…

City Grown Willow

Those nails I got that were so damn pretty…yeah I lasted a little over a week…and then I took them off, I want so desperately to have them, but I can’t handle the way they feel…I can feel them on my nails and they feel like my nails can’t breathe, and every time they catch its so painful…so yeah I took them off. My aunt told me it runs in the family, she is that way with even nail polish.

I started a re-watch of TWD because I won’t make it til October…because I’m obsessed. I dreamt that I got a tattoo of a Walker bite and now I am thinking of doing it. Probably not just any Walker bite though, thinking of Carl’s bite. lol Also TWD gives me anxiety, and yet I can’t stop watching…even re-watching, it is still giving me anxiety…lol

Also someone told me to watch the show Black Summer on Netflix, and I saw a meme of people saying the show causes stress…that made me want to watch it more. I have decided I have severe psychological issues… *shrug*

My “best friend” Tabatha has stopped speaking to me. I told her in March that she was being a shitty friend, she doesn’t show any interest in my life or what we’re doing…only about telling me about her bullshit drama(which she creates herself, btw) and trying to get my advice, and when I give it to her, at least half the time my advice thoughts, opinions, advice, piss her off because I call her out on her bullshit…well she of course got pissed at me telling her she wasn’t being a good friend and hasn’t talked to me since. I waited 6 weeks and she still didn’t talk to me so I removed her from my social media…I am done. I’ve known her since we were 5 and I thought she was my best friend, but clearly not really…so whatever, I’m over it.

I have a true best friend who I have known since the first day of HS, Taylor, she’s legit! ❤

We are going to New Hampshire this weekend for my hubby to walk at his college graduation, even though he still has classes until August, he gets to walk now. I’m so proud of him. He’s done so amazing in school while working full time, dealing with a lot of shit from his daughter, my step daughter, but he’s still managed to pull ALL straight As…I’m super excited to watch my hunnybear graduate! ❤

Also I am on a kick of “nothing but Eddie Vedder’s voice in my ears will do!” It’s like I can’t breathe if I’m not listening to him…so It’s been several days now of a PJ/EV playlist and Ten in the car because my car only has a CD player.

I think that’s it for now I am so tired I can’t think and I had a headache most of the day…so I think I’m gonna crash soon. Oh oh yeah…I am down 15 lbs!!

Goodnight, all!

Creative, dreams, eddie vedder, family, friends, love, musical memories, pearl jam, shopping, spiritual, the past
City Grown Willow

Ok, so I am a week and a half late with this post, but I was exhausted, and had to finish out my last 2 weeks at the job I was at…yup, I got a new job and that’s a whole other topc, I start it tomorrow…but this post is all about the trip to Seattle to see my saving grace, Pearl Jam!!!

So Here is how this is going to go down…I’m going to write about the whole trip and then I will post all the pictures…well not all of them because I took way too many at MoPop, but I have gathered my favorites from there. So the first thing you should know, that for a fan like me, not just of Pearl Jam, but grunge in general…traveling to Seattle is like visiting the motherland…of grunge, it’s a sacred experience!

 

So we arrived in Seattle at 10am and went and ate some food and then caught a bus over to Easy Street Records, I honestly just wanted to see the Mother Love Bone Mural and get pics, but not only that I looked up and there were two of my FB PJ friends, Art and Stephanie, so I got to meet them and talk for a couple minutes and get a pic and Art gave me a copy of the newest “mixtape” CD they had made, they do that make mixes of PJ stuff and give them out. Then we went inside Easy Street and OMG, it’s amazing!!! So much memorabilia for not just PJ but all of them!!! I took a lot of pics and got a couple souvenirs. Then I connected on FB with my friend Denise and we both headed from our locations down to Pike Place Market to meet up! I got to see the gumwall and added my own gum, it was sooo cool! Such a bizarre thing, but at the same time this amazing piece of living art because it’s always constantly changing. It was awesome to meet her and her awesome family! Her hubby is from New Zealand and her song is a giant…lol Then hubby and I went shopping at the market and got some cool stuff. It was really hot though and the market is mostly outside and they have like no where to sit so we decided to go to the hotel, and at our hotel they had a Starbucks so we sat there til check-in time and charged our phones and drank iced tea…lol Also met a sweet family of ladies, a mom and her two teen daughters who had flown in from Texas for the show and they were flying back out immediately after. It was a graduation gift to the older daughter. We chatted a lot because I’m from Texas and we all love PJ. Then we finally got to check-in and we went up and settled into the hotel, and then went downstairs to eat at Ruth’s Chris as our anniversary dinner, as our wedding anniversary was the night before. Then we ran back up to the hotel room for our tickets and headed to Safeco. It was insane trying to get in…sooooo unorganized and things labeled wrong. I even had to throw my purse away because you can’t take anything bigger than a wristlet into the venue…I had looked up the rules for Safeco, having no idea that PJ set their own rules. Luckily it was an old purse and I didn’t care so much, so everything important went into Jason’s cargo pockets and my little make up bag and that was it…lol So the guy who bought our 3rd ticket was actually from Australia and he was ADORABLE! The show started 1 hour late, and really I don’t know how it goes at most of them because this is my only experience but I think it was because of how disorganized it was to get through the gates.

All of a sudden the regular music pumping over the PA system shut off and the music for Aye Davanita started and then the stage lights came on and we could see the guys taking their places. They opened with Long Road but then they played RELEASE! I think I died a little when they started that one…I died a little several times. They played everything I could have asked for except Daughter. I got Corduroy(my fave song since I was 15), I got Black…extended version(We Belong together)…I got Lightning Bolt, I got Neil Young covers, I just got it all. Release, while not my fave song, is a very important one to me and I was moved nearly to tears by it. I would have cried had they played Daughter. It is one thing to listen to their albums, you feel it…but to be there in that stadium and feel Mike and Stone’s guitar, Jeff’s bass, Matt’s drums, Booms Keys and especially Eddie’s voice physically reverberate through your body, it’s a sacred and other worldly experience. This was the most amazing experience of my life to date…and you can bet your ass I will see them again!!! Pearl Jam fever is a very real thing!!!

On Thursday we went and had brunch with my bff Taylor, and then went to MoPop and went through essentially every exhibit. And then went to the space needle, Jason had to bribe me with food to get me to go up in the needle though. And then we got up there and they have the new lower deck glad floor, and I stood on it and took a pic…yeah me the one who was terrified, but Jason, the one who wanted to go up, would not step foot on the glass floor…BOOM! I got a t-shirt and a badass seattle made float out of the deal for being so brave! lol

Here are the pictures…

 

 

 

 

 

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This last picture is a poster Jason bought for me at Pike Place Market. I had to have it, my boys played with Metallica, on my hubby’s 11th birthday in my hometown of Houston at the ASTRODOME!!! HELLS YEAH!!! lol

Safeco night 2, they did play Daughter, and my friend Denice who I met at Pike Place, she went live on Facebook just for me so I could hear it, I was just going to bed, I cried watching the live feed of that song. ❤