I’ve talked about being bipolar many times, so many of you know I have it. Today is World Bipolar Day. It’s held on March 30th, which is Vincent Van Gogh’s birthday, because he was posthumously diagnosed to have likely been Bipolar.
If anyone has questions, I am always open to give you my best answers and discuss it.
My diagnosis came at age 28, 13 years after my symptoms began. I was treated from age 15 to 28 as having depression. I even had my first doctor when I was 15 put me on prozac with the statement “It works for your mother, it will work for you.” However, my mom did have depression so it worked, it did not work for me, and that asshole refused to believe me and change it. I got that diagnosis 10 years ago… And it changed everything… However, it took another 5 years or so to get the meds right.
Currently, I am battling the return of heavy symptoms along with PPD and PPA. I’m kind of a mess… But I am sharing all this, in hopes we can end the stigma… Not just for Bipolar, but for mental illness in general. We are not people who need to be feared, we need to be supported, understood and loved, even when we are difficult to love.
I wrote about it when it happened in January. I was litereally ghosted by my best friend of 23 years. First I got angry… like really angry. Then I became indifferent. I just didn’t care because I felt she couldn’t show me the consideration of an explanation, why should I give a shit. Then I got pregnant, and my hormones are out of control and have my emotions all over the place. I can go from raging angry to bawling in just minutes…
I haven’t been bawling over Taylor, but it’s been weighing heavily on me… bothering me a lot. So, I decided to reach out, I emailed her, because I’m blocked on Social and I deleted her phone number when this happened out of anger. So, I wrote an email, saying it was for closure on my part… though, it made me feel better immediately when I sent it… and I didn’t, honestly, expect a reply, but it’s bothering me that she didn’t. I mean who does that? Who throws 23 years away without so much as an explanation? I don’t know what I said or did and she didn’t tell me, she just suddenly blocked me on Social… that is literally how I found out, by trying to look at her IG or FB, I don’t remember which, but I went and I was blocked and removed. I always try to talk to someone when I’m upset with them, and I’d extended that courtesy to her in the past… and yet, here we are. I’m left wondering.
And being pregnant with all these damn hormones has me all up in my damn feels over it. I mean if I knew that I had said or done something shitty… then maybe it wouldn’t bother me… but I didn’t. And if she thinks I did then she took something I said the wrong way, and couldn’t even say anything. I don’t want to have feelings over this anymore, it’s stupid. It was 8 months ago and why should I care anymore… but here we are. And in the email I said, if you reply, cool, if not, no worries. I guess I just thought that she would reply… even if just something brief… I dunno. It’s all so damn stupid… If you are mad at a friend… fucking talk to them, tell them why, if you can’t work it out, then Okay, by all means go your separate ways, but at least give them a chance… especially if it’s been 23 fucking years.
23 years. We met the first day of high school and were immediately inseparable best friends. We talked to each other essentially every day. When we were in school, we were together every day and if we weren’t, we passed notes. After HS when we got cell phones, we texted every single day… all day, every day, even back when it was T9 texting before smart phones. So, to say I’m hurt is a truth. I’m hurt that she couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to me first. I can’t know what was going on in her head, or what is… but I valued our friendship more than that, more than to just throw away 23 years over… over I don’t know what! And I thought she did to.
On another note I am 17 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. Everything is going well. We will find out the sex on October 1st and then my friend Tracy and her daughter are doing a gender reveal photoshoot with me… I have it planned, it’s gonna be super cute and fun and themed for October… and I promise no fires will be started like the morons in California.
I have really been struggling. I’ve cycled into a low… the perks of being bipolar. I feel broken right now. I feel sad, my heart hurts. Being cooped up for weeks for surgery recovery messes with you. I’ve been a lot more emotional and have cried a lot, over stuff I can’t do anything about, over stuff that hasn’t happened and probably won’t, over past things that can’t be changed and people who disappeared along the way, over silly things that aren’t important, over the character’s on the shows I’ve been watching. I’m in a low cycle of my bipolar and it sucks. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.
I’ve cried over Chyann more lately. She hates us, or thinks she does, because she blames us…I hope she figures it out eventually. I miss her. I miss my little girl. I didn’t give birth to her, she’s not my child by blood, but she is by love…and I love her so much. I raised her for nearly a decade, and it hurts to not have her here, or even speaking to us. I did stop contact with her last summer. I gave her wide opening to come and see us when we were in K-Falls for a family gathering, and she chose not to, and to not even say anything to me about it. I had to choose J, because he’s my husband, and it wasn’t fair for me to be talking to her when she wouldn’t talk to him too. I don’t think she understands that. But we both hurt over this. We both love her and always will, and we both miss her and hope that she some day finds her way back to us. Somehow.
I’ve cried over Steven recently too, and it’s not the loss of my first love, but the loss of someone I thought was my best friend for years and then he chose to just disappear from my life because he met his now wife and I guess decided there wasn’t room for me as a friend in his life anymore. Things got left messy with us, and even though I have found my true, once in a lifetime love with J, I miss my friend. The one who would argue with me over Metallica being the greatest band of all time, the one who I had to hide his Metallica paraphernalia at my place because his parents were too strict. The friend I would talk to all the way from boot camp, and write letters to when he was in Afghanistan. There is gonna be a hole there forever.
I’ve cried over Poppy and Papa Ray and Sherry and Tabby Lu. I’ve cried over the fires in Australia, I have friends there who are suffering, and my heart can’t take all the animals gone and devastation. I’ve been trying to talk J into another dog because I’ve seen so many horrors of neglect and abuse lately that I want to rescue them all, I know that’s not possible, but one more is a possibility. My heart hurts for the loss of the relationship I had with my uncle. He was like my dad…and something happened that changed the man I knew, and he’s not that man anymore. He’ll talk to me a little when I visit mamaw, but he’s not the same. We used to joke and torment each other, it hurts to watch someone you love change like that. I’ve cried because mamaw’s health is declining and I fear she may not be with us long enough to meet the child/ren we adopt. I’ve cried over that too, I’m good with adopting, I am, there are children in need but it hurts that I couldn’t make a baby with my husband.
I’ve cried over the grandpa I never got to know or even meet once who passed away this year. My dad’s dad. I never got to know him because my grandmother(and I use that term loosely, was and is not a nice woman, and she refused to believe I was my father’s when I was born, then she disowned me at 20 because she disagreed with my moral and political views. And in the 17 years since then, she said one sentence to me via FB, “Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better…” And now he’s gone and I’ll never get to meet him. My only connection is my Aunt Dixie, and she tells me he loved me, and that I remind her of him. Even my dad doesn’t talk to me bout him, so I am very thankful for my Auntie…
I’m just tired of being home alone most of the time and having time to think…my brain is overactive as it is, I was coloring to keep myself occupied but I got tired of that. So back to just binging Netflix. I binged Once Upon a Time and The Vampire Diaries…and I bawled over both.
I’ve discovered, thanks to an Amazon Alexa ad, Lewis Capaldi, his music is so good, and as a fun fact that this nerd had to find out…I saw the name Capaldi and said, oh come on, he has to be related to Peter…and he is…he is the 12th Doctor’s cousin! ❤ I’m listening to him right now and it’s probably not helping, because his music is so sad…but that’s me, in all my enneagram 4w5 glory…feeling utterly broken and listening to the saddest music I can find. As a teen, when the pain was so overwhelming, I would lay in my shitty waterbed in our shitty apartment and play the song Bleed by Cold on repeat. Lately I feel like that same broken 17 year old girl, even though it’s been 20 years.
I haven’t posted in 4 months….it’s been a bit crazy around here.
I started the Aimovig shots and they are helping a lot, I follow up in Jan 8th…I think, if she’ll let me, I’d like to increase the dose and see if it helps more. I like the Naratriptan for when I do get them, it really works, and since starting the Aimovig, I’ve only missed one day of work for a migraine.
HOWEVER, I’ve been on FMLA and surgery recovery. So lets start at the beginning, because none of that info is here on this blog. I started having pain at 19, just a little bit when I would sit too long…that was on the right side, then over time it progressed, and I had doctors try and diagnose me with umpteen different things, but not a single one of them EVER taking any X-Rays. Finally a doctor listened to me and ordered Xrays, my right hip was all kinds of fucked up, so she sent me to Ortho at Kaiser, they looked at it and agreed it was fucked up, and that it NEEDED to be replaced, but those fuckers refused to do it. They said, and I’m paraphrasing “It will just have to be revised in 20 years because of your age, so no, we’re not going to help you, you just get to suffer.” Switched to Hubby’s insurance and found a surgeon willing to help a 31 year old woman who needed a hip replacement. It was done in January 2014. Since then, slowly, the left has worsened. In September I finally made an appt with my surgeon’s assistant, that appt fell on my Birthday, 10/22, and I got the best birthday news ever, they took new X-rays and he came in and said, “We’ll look at those X-Rays together, but just so you know, we’re going to replace it.” They scheduled my surgery real quick and I had my second total hip replacement, on the left side, on November 26th. I’ve been home recovering ever since. My post op is January 7th, and I think I should be allowed to go back to work the following Monday, because I’m recovering really well. Here is a picture of my incision.
J started a new job, I’m so proud of my hubby, and I love him so much!
We also started getting new flooring down finally and are making progress towards remodel goals. It’s nice to finally feel like the house is coming together. Still a long ways to go, but we have started.
J bought me another ring, because the one I posted in that last post was actually not well made and the customer service of the seller sucked, so we sent it back for a refund and I found this one, also Citrine, and then like 2 months ago, I found my missing engagement ring, it’s been missing since before we moved to Salem, I needed jump rings for a necklace I was making and I got out my little containers and in the top one I noticed my grandpa’s cuff link, which I was so excited about because I wasn’t sure where I had put it, so I pull it out and literally wrapped around the cuff link is my missing engagement ring! I never put it there, it had just vanished, I had theories about what happened, but I am so relieved they were wrong.
While I’ve been on recovery, I’ve been binging stuff. I’m on Season 7 of The Vampire Diaries, then I need to watch The Originals and Lagacies so be all caught up on the TVD verse. I also binged all 7 seasons of Once Upon A Time in 10 days…lol I loved the first 6 seasons, season 7 was awful, but I watched anyway, and the last 15 mins got me…I bawled like a baby over Rumple…I kinda love me some Robert Carlyle! Not to mention Hook! Oh dear me, Colin O’Donohue is something else! lol I watched VWars in a day, it was great, I watched Merry Happy Whatever, it was cute. And I got caught up on Schitts Creek. I FUCKING LOVE ME SOME DAVID!
Growing my hair back out…I think I want it to grow longer like a bob or something…but for now this is where I’ve gotten it to, back to my favorite pixie. Took this picture on Monday, Good hair day!
Anywho, the new year is going to be great and I’m happy to be able to be whole again, I’m going to work hard to lose weight. I will be able to do it now, without pain.
Been thinking about the kid the last few days…I miss her, don’t think she cares though.
My hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 1.5 years, and no success. We had stuff check out firtility wise and it’s not bad bad, but not great either…and it’s mostly to be expected due to age. Well, I am unable to continue down this path right now because of my health. My migraines are out of control and my bipolar/anxiety has ramped up.
Last Friday, 8/23, I had to leave work early due to a headache that had me in tears, I headed to Salem and was going to Urgent Care, I started to feel like I might actually pass out from the pain, which induced a full blown panic attack and more tears. By the time u reached Urgent Care I felt like I could be having a stroke…I wasn’t, but all those things combined made me feel like it.
So Jason and I had very lengthy discussions about this journey, and decided I can’t keep living like this. I’m miserable and tired and not happy at all. We are disappointed that we were unable to create a life together, but we have decided to adopt. And we know that once we have that baby, we will love it just as much as if we had created it.
So I spoke with my headache specialist yesterday and we are putting me on Tizanidine again and trying amerge for when I have a migraine and also trying Aimovig monthly shots for prevention.
It’s like a huge weight has been lifted! I will see my Psych in 2 weeks and get my IUD in 3 weeks. I just can’t even begin to explain how relieved I feel that I can get myself healthy before we bring a baby home.
Also Jason is done with school. He passed with straight A’s and I couldn’t be more proud of him! 🖤🖤🖤 I love that man so much! He also bought me a new wedding set that is citrine, which is my favorite!
So, my dad was not part of my life growing up. His mother vehemently denied that I was his until I was 18. When I was 18 I met her and saw my dad and step mom for the first time in 14 years, and met my little brother, who is 4 years younger than me. I did not get to meet my grandfather however, he was working or out of town or something. I really can’t remember as this was 18 years ago. Three years later my grandmother would have a fit about my political/religious beliefs and other random bits about myself—. I’m quite liberal, I believe in equal rights for all, I’m pro-choice…just to name a few. She disowned me, flat out, she said she could not accept me…my father was still very much under her influence at that time as well, and he went with it. I didn’t speak to him again until I was 25…I went in search of him and found him. We have gotten to know each other and are friends now, he also told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and acknowledged his wrongs, that was 4 years ago. We talk often. My grandmother found me on Facebook about 8 or 9 years ago, she sent me a friend request and I accepted it. In that time she has said 1 thing to me…”Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better.” As if my diagnosis has any bearing on my beliefs. In case you don’t understand…IT DOES NOT! The two are not related at all. She has not said anything to me since, and I unfriended her recently…because I feel that if she can’t make an effort to really get to know me or try to show that she cares…then why bother. This is all really just background information for the real reason I am posting.
A couple of months ago, my Aunt(dad’s sister) texted me and told me that my grandpa Joe was not doing well and she would be caring for him, she didn’t give me details, but said she would later, she just wanted my dad’s phone number, as they don’t speak to each other and haven’t for years. Well, I never heard anything more from her…the other day, my cousin on that side, whom I adore, messaged me to make sure I knew what was going on and that he would be going into hospice soon. He had cancer, it was a recent thing, but I guess it progressed rather quickly. He went into hospice on Monday, 6/10, he passed away early this morning. My dad texted me. Now when I was talking to my cousin and she was telling me about it…i didn’t feel anything…like ok, I felt bad for all of them because they were losing this family patriarch that they all adored, but I felt nothing because I didn’t know him. By all accounts, (Dad, Aunt, cousin and even my own mother who can’t stand my dad’s family because of how they treated her and I) he was a wonderful man, and he would have been accepting of me as his granddaughter and I’ve even been told that he loved me, despite having never met me. I wasn’t feeling anything though because I have no attachment to him. Fast forward to today and my dad’s text…then I messaged my Aunt to give my condolences, and after a bit I started feeling sadness and anger I did not expect. Sadness and anger over being nearly 37 years old and having never met and gotten to know my paternal grandfather. Sadness that it is unfair, and I was gypped out of a relationship with him. Anger, a little at him for not having ever reached out to me, but mostly at his wife, my grandmother, for being the vile and cruel human being that she is and gypping me out of that relationship. It also brought up all my feelings over the loss of both of my grandfather’s on my mother’s side. My biological grandpa, Poppy, was killed by a drunk driver when I was 8. My grandma eventually remarried and I grew up with Papa Ray and loved him with all my heart, and he passed away from heart failure a little over 4 years ago. I really struggled with not crying at work today.
I just took a walk on my lunch to Dutch Bros and got a small coffee and the new guy at work walked with me and I talked to him about it. I talked to my hubby, my mom and my bestie about it today too. I also shared on the FB group I run for my girl gang. I just never expected to feel this way because I didn’t know him, but I think I am mourning the fact that now I never will and it’s not fair. I hate that phrase “not fair” because kids say it and it’s annoying and frustrating…but it’s the only phrase I can come up with for this. And I really do ultimately fully blame my grandmother. She was horrible to my mother when she was pregnant, she was horrible to me when she disowned me, and I found out that she was horrible for years to my step mom, saying awful and cruel things to her for now reason…and my step mom may very well be the sweetest human being I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. I adore her and can’t even understand having the ability to say something awful to her. My paternal grandmother is a vile and cruel human. I can’t honestly think of any other way to say it…I thought I had let go of past anger and hurt regarding what she did and said to me…and then this happened and it all rose back to the surface.
Everyone I’ve talked to about it, they all tell me that what I’m feeling is very valid and I have every right to feel this way and I know they are right. But I just didn’t expect it. I was completely blindsided. I don’t know if it’s grief for the actual loss of my grandpa, or for the ability to ever meet him and have him in my life or maybe both, but it’s put me in a pretty negative head space right now. I’ve been crying, I cried some in the car on my way home from work and now crying while I’ve written this and it’s giving me a headache. I hate that I can’t fucking cry without getting a migraine. FML! I’m gonna go lay down and attempt to sleep in this hot ass house. Maybe I will feel better in the morning, but I am not holding my breath.
I am rewatching TWD since I have to wait until October for new ones…so I decided to start back at the beginning…I know it’s legit only been half a season, but OMG I MISS RICK GRIMES!!! Andy, why did you have to leave us??? I’m almost to the end of season 3 already…I may have time to watch it twice by October. LMAO, I am a pro at binge watching.
Some friends and I started a *Girl Gang*, we’re gonna get T-shirts and patches. It’s all about Women supporting women, empowering each other and having each other’s backs! We’re called Femme AF.
I’m not gonna get super political, but I am gonna say I’m sick of this shit, this attack on women’s rights, our right to choose what we do with our own bodies, our right to be our own person…they’re looking to strip all that away, that’s why we have to have each other’s backs…we have to stand up for ourselves and each other, and not let them win! RISE UP AND RESIST! THE FUTURE IS FEMALE!
I’m home sick today and still not feeling so well, so that’s it for today. ❤
Those nails I got that were so damn pretty…yeah I lasted a little over a week…and then I took them off, I want so desperately to have them, but I can’t handle the way they feel…I can feel them on my nails and they feel like my nails can’t breathe, and every time they catch its so painful…so yeah I took them off. My aunt told me it runs in the family, she is that way with even nail polish.
I started a re-watch of TWD because I won’t make it til October…because I’m obsessed. I dreamt that I got a tattoo of a Walker bite and now I am thinking of doing it. Probably not just any Walker bite though, thinking of Carl’s bite. lol Also TWD gives me anxiety, and yet I can’t stop watching…even re-watching, it is still giving me anxiety…lol
Also someone told me to watch the show Black Summer on Netflix, and I saw a meme of people saying the show causes stress…that made me want to watch it more. I have decided I have severe psychological issues… *shrug*
My “best friend” Tabatha has stopped speaking to me. I told her in March that she was being a shitty friend, she doesn’t show any interest in my life or what we’re doing…only about telling me about her bullshit drama(which she creates herself, btw) and trying to get my advice, and when I give it to her, at least half the time my advice thoughts, opinions, advice, piss her off because I call her out on her bullshit…well she of course got pissed at me telling her she wasn’t being a good friend and hasn’t talked to me since. I waited 6 weeks and she still didn’t talk to me so I removed her from my social media…I am done. I’ve known her since we were 5 and I thought she was my best friend, but clearly not really…so whatever, I’m over it.
I have a true best friend who I have known since the first day of HS, Taylor, she’s legit! ❤
We are going to New Hampshire this weekend for my hubby to walk at his college graduation, even though he still has classes until August, he gets to walk now. I’m so proud of him. He’s done so amazing in school while working full time, dealing with a lot of shit from his daughter, my step daughter, but he’s still managed to pull ALL straight As…I’m super excited to watch my hunnybear graduate! ❤
Also I am on a kick of “nothing but Eddie Vedder’s voice in my ears will do!” It’s like I can’t breathe if I’m not listening to him…so It’s been several days now of a PJ/EV playlist and Ten in the car because my car only has a CD player.
I think that’s it for now I am so tired I can’t think and I had a headache most of the day…so I think I’m gonna crash soon. Oh oh yeah…I am down 15 lbs!!
I had one migraine that I woke up with this past Saturday…but it was manageable and I got rid of it. My period did arrive, Sunday night, and so far, no major migraines from it.
I have however been having insane cramps…feels like someone is trying to rip my uterus out with a red hot poker…but yeah sure I love being female! *angry face* I haven’t had cramps like these since i was a teenager… My emotions are also all over the damn place, I’m swinging from wanting to punch someone in the throat to trying not to cry.
My lunch break today was spent handling personal bullshit, I had to cancel Comcast internet because they fucking suck ass! And I got a letter from a guy in Kentucky repping my medical insurance saying that I would have to pay them back for any injuries from my car accident (last May) that they had paid benefits on…but they didn’t pay on anything progressive did…so what happened is the computer connected my broken toe(thanks to my dogs) to the accident and they needed to make sure that they were not connected because I did go to urgent care and the foot doctor about my toe. However, that happened on like May 22nd(or so) and the accident was May 30th so that should have been fucking obvious but apparently it wasn’t. So I had to resolve that as well. Fucking morons if you ask me…I mean there was at least a week between the toe and car accident.
I also got my nails did on Sunday…LOOOOOVE them!!! Hubby and I made a deal that I could get my nails did once I lost 10 lbs…guess who is down 11 as of last Saturday!?
The color of the dipping powder is called Wizard Fantasy. ❤ And We love Negan!
Who else is relieved there was no major life or death cliff hangers on the TWD Season 9 finale??? *raises hand*
I haven’t written since PJ! Shit, a lot has happened!
Recap! I started working at Service Master. I saw LUCERO in concert, I went to Seattle again, to visit Taylor and meet her new husband, while there I tried Spice cake which was maybe the yummiest thing I’ve ever had, and Korean BBQ and loved it! I got fired from Service Master of Salem, and yup they can all kiss my big white ass! I hope they see that. I got unemployment for a month and a half while I looked for a new job, and i found one working for the Drug Treatment Court in Corvallis as an office manager. I like it a lot, it’s far less stressful that any job I have ever had and that’s kinda a nice change! It’s a long commute though, so we bought a Jetta TDI at auction that wasn’t running and Jason fixed it, so I have a car that gets better mileage because it’s a diesel that can get up to 41 miles per gallon. And it’s a lot of fun to drive! I had complete and total break down 2 weeks ago over my weight. I was fine and then all of a sudden I couldn’t control my emotions and I bawled, and since they we’ve been working on eating better and I have already lost 8.6 lbs. I am getting a new PJ tattoo in the next couple of weeks, and I also will be getting solar nails when I hit the 10 lbs mark, because Jason and I made a deal…lol I came down with the flu on Friday 3/1, and went to Urgent care immediately after work, and then the next day had one of the worst migraines of my life and Jason had to take me to the ER that night. OH And I shaved my head about 3 weeks ago.
Right after I shaved my head
at work a few days ago…
Last Night
The pin in the green Hoodie was the day after I shaved my head and then the other two are the last few days, you can see how much it has grown out…I actually really love it…but I am growing it back out. I just really needed to start from scratch because my hair was sooooooo damaged from all the shit I did to it in the last year. I am growing it out long though and I am not planning to color it myself anymore, I want to go get it done and have like an ombre or biolage or something done, so it looks like a real pretty combo of my natural color with some lighter honey blonde and maybe a little bit of platinum sorta highlights… and so it’s not damaged because I am not even kidding when I tell you my hair was fucked up and dry and brittle when I shaved my head. But I decided on the way home to do it, and I walked in and told my hubby and he said “You won’t do it, you always flip out when I tell you to do that” and he’s not wrong, but him saying that…turned it into a dare…so I had to do it. And I actually have a great shaped head for it, so I can rock it well. I have gotten lots of compliments and then it’s also ended up being a fun social experiment to see how strangers react…I went ot safeway the weekend after I did it, and the cashier who checked me ou, and older guy probably in his 60s, wouldn’t even look at me. They J and I went to dinner one night and a guy at the burger joint wouldn’t stop staring! I think it’s because people aren’t sure if this was a deliberate choice or if I’m sick with cancer and lost all my hair…lol
Oh yeah, and I started drinking coffee, my best friend taught me how to make it drinkable…lol I am obsessed, hence the new blog. My favorite is white coffee from Dutch Bros, but I make light roast at home. I love flavoring with vanilla and caramel creamer. I’m an addict!
I guess that’s about it for now, we got shit to get done today, and I’m hungry I haven’t eaten anything…and I am frozen so I’m gonna go take a HOT shower.
Ok, But First Coffee! 