Tag: death

dreams, family, love, mental shit, migraines, the past

Mended Fences

City Grown Willow

My Paternal Grandma passed away early this morning. I woke to texts from each my Dad and my Auntie. My Grandma and I had a rocky relationship….. I didn’t even know her until I was 18. My dad wasn’t around and my Grandma denied that I was his. My mom wrote a letter to her when I was a senior in High School, giving them an opportunity to respond to me and be in my life if they wanted and then allow me to decide if I wanted them in my life. My mom sent her some pictures of me with the letter…and I look just like my father and my brother. No denying I’m his anymore. She did respond and then I responded. I met her the summer I graduated. We were building a relationship until I was in college and she found out what my political beliefs were and she said she couldn’t accept me…I didn’t speak to that side of my family for another 6 years and even after reconnecting again, things were rocky…she hadn’t acknowledged her wrong and I hadn’t forgiven.

Last year, she came down with Covid and while in isolation in the hospital I was the first person she told my Aunt she wanted to talk to and say goodbye because they didn’t think she was going to survive. We spoke via video chat on several occasions. And she asked for forgiveness and wanted me to know she did love me, she even asked my mom for forgiveness and wanted her to know she had done a great job raising me and that she loved her for that. My mom and I forgave her…and it was like this huge weight had been lifted off of both of us…all of that anger just melted away. I do wish I could have seen her again before she went, but I am glad we had that chance to talk and to make amends and find closure.

Grandma, I hope you’re flying high and resting easy, once again reunited with Grandpa.

On another note, I awoke today with a full-blown migraine…and I’ve been wondering if it could have anything to do with her passing. Like subconsciously, in my sleep, dream state did I know? Did I cry and get upset in my dreams and tense up giving myself this horrific migraine? I don’t know, it’s one of those things we can’t really ever know, but something interesting to think about.

family, friends, love, mental shit, spiritual, the past

Broken

City Grown Willow

I have really been struggling. I’ve cycled into a low… the perks of being bipolar. I feel broken right now. I feel sad, my heart hurts. Being cooped up for weeks for surgery recovery messes with you. I’ve been a lot more emotional and have cried a lot, over stuff I can’t do anything about, over stuff that hasn’t happened and probably won’t, over past things that can’t be changed and people who disappeared along the way, over silly things that aren’t important, over the character’s on the shows I’ve been watching. I’m in a low cycle of my bipolar and it sucks. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.

I’ve cried over Chyann more lately. She hates us, or thinks she does, because she blames us…I hope she figures it out eventually. I miss her. I miss my little girl. I didn’t give birth to her, she’s not my child by blood, but she is by love…and I love her so much. I raised her for nearly a decade, and it hurts to not have her here, or even speaking to us. I did stop contact with her last summer. I gave her wide opening to come and see us when we were in K-Falls for a family gathering, and she chose not to, and to not even say anything to me about it. I had to choose J, because he’s my husband, and it wasn’t fair for me to be talking to her when she wouldn’t talk to him too. I don’t think she understands that. But we both hurt over this. We both love her and always will, and we both miss her and hope that she some day finds her way back to us. Somehow.

I’ve cried over Steven recently too, and it’s not the loss of my first love, but the loss of someone I thought was my best friend for years and then he chose to just disappear from my life because he met his now wife and I guess decided there wasn’t room for me as a friend in his life anymore. Things got left messy with us, and even though I have found my true, once in a lifetime love with J, I miss my friend. The one who would argue with me over Metallica being the greatest band of all time, the one who I had to hide his Metallica paraphernalia at my place because his parents were too strict. The friend I would talk to all the way from boot camp, and write letters to when he was in Afghanistan. There is gonna be a hole there forever.

I’ve cried over Poppy and Papa Ray and Sherry and Tabby Lu. I’ve cried over the fires in Australia, I have friends there who are suffering, and my heart can’t take all the animals gone and devastation. I’ve been trying to talk J into another dog because I’ve seen so many horrors of neglect and abuse lately that I want to rescue them all, I know that’s not possible, but one more is a possibility. My heart hurts for the loss of the relationship I had with my uncle. He was like my dad…and something happened that changed the man I knew, and he’s not that man anymore. He’ll talk to me a little when I visit mamaw, but he’s not the same. We used to joke and torment each other, it hurts to watch someone you love change like that. I’ve cried because mamaw’s health is declining and I fear she may not be with us long enough to meet the child/ren we adopt. I’ve cried over that too, I’m good with adopting, I am, there are children in need but it hurts that I couldn’t make a baby with my husband.

I’ve cried over the grandpa I never got to know or even meet once who passed away this year. My dad’s dad. I never got to know him because my grandmother(and I use that term loosely, was and is not a nice woman, and she refused to believe I was my father’s when I was born, then she disowned me at 20 because she disagreed with my moral and political views. And in the 17 years since then, she said one sentence to me via FB, “Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better…” And now he’s gone and I’ll never get to meet him. My only connection is my Aunt Dixie, and she tells me he loved me, and that I remind her of him. Even my dad doesn’t talk to me bout him, so I am very thankful for my Auntie…

I’m just tired of being home alone most of the time and having time to think…my brain is overactive as it is, I was coloring to keep myself occupied but I got tired of that. So back to just binging Netflix. I binged Once Upon a Time and The Vampire Diaries…and I bawled over both.

I’ve discovered, thanks to an Amazon Alexa ad, Lewis Capaldi, his music is so good, and as a fun fact that this nerd had to find out…I saw the name Capaldi and said, oh come on, he has to be related to Peter…and he is…he is the 12th Doctor’s cousin! ❤ I’m listening to him right now and it’s probably not helping, because his music is so sad…but that’s me, in all my enneagram 4w5 glory…feeling utterly broken and listening to the saddest music I can find. As a teen, when the pain was so overwhelming, I would lay in my shitty waterbed in our shitty apartment and play the song Bleed by Cold on repeat. Lately I feel like that same broken 17 year old girl, even though it’s been 20 years.