Tag: emotions

So, my dad was not part of my life growing up. His mother vehemently denied that I was his until I was 18. When I was 18 I met her and saw my dad and step mom for the first time in 14 years, and met my little brother, who is 4 years younger than me. I did not get to meet my grandfather however, he was working or out of town or something. I really can’t remember as this was 18 years ago. Three years later my grandmother would have a fit about my political/religious beliefs and other random bits about myself—. I’m quite liberal, I believe in equal rights for all, I’m pro-choice…just to name a few. She disowned me, flat out, she said she could not accept me…my father was still very much under her influence at that time as well, and he went with it. I didn’t speak to him again until I was 25…I went in search of him and found him. We have gotten to know each other and are friends now, he also told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and acknowledged his wrongs, that was 4 years ago. We talk often. My grandmother found me on Facebook about 8 or 9 years ago, she sent me a friend request and I accepted it. In that time she has said 1 thing to me…”Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better.” As if my diagnosis has any bearing on my beliefs. In case you don’t understand…IT DOES NOT! The two are not related at all. She has not said anything to me since, and I unfriended her recently…because I feel that if she can’t make an effort to really get to know me or try to show that she cares…then why bother. This is all really just background information for the real reason I am posting.

A couple of months ago, my Aunt(dad’s sister) texted me and told me that my grandpa Joe was not doing well and she would be caring for him, she didn’t give me details, but said she would later, she just wanted my dad’s phone number, as they don’t speak to each other and haven’t for years. Well, I never heard anything more from her…the other day, my cousin on that side, whom I adore, messaged me to make sure I knew what was going on and that he would be going into hospice soon. He had cancer, it was a recent thing, but I guess it progressed rather quickly. He went into hospice on Monday, 6/10, he passed away early this morning. My dad texted me. Now when I was talking to my cousin and she was telling me about it…i didn’t feel anything…like ok, I felt bad for all of them because they were losing this family patriarch that they all adored, but I felt nothing because I didn’t know him. By all accounts, (Dad, Aunt, cousin and even my own mother who can’t stand my dad’s family because of how they treated her and I) he was a wonderful man, and he would have been accepting of me as his granddaughter and I’ve even been told that he loved me, despite having never met me. I wasn’t feeling anything though because I have no attachment to him. Fast forward to today and my dad’s text…then I messaged my Aunt to give my condolences, and after a bit I started feeling sadness and anger I did not expect. Sadness and anger over being nearly 37 years old and having never met and gotten to know my paternal grandfather. Sadness that it is unfair, and I was gypped out of a relationship with him. Anger, a little at him for not having ever reached out to me, but mostly at his wife, my grandmother, for being the vile and cruel human being that she is and gypping me out of that relationship. It also brought up all my feelings over the loss of both of my grandfather’s on my mother’s side. My biological grandpa, Poppy, was killed by a drunk driver when I was 8. My grandma eventually remarried and I grew up with Papa Ray and loved him with all my heart, and he passed away from heart failure a little over 4 years ago. I really struggled with not crying at work today.

I just took a walk on my lunch to Dutch Bros and got a small coffee and the new guy at work walked with me and I talked to him about it. I talked to my hubby, my mom and my bestie about it today too. I also shared on the FB group I run for my girl gang. I just never expected to feel this way because I didn’t know him, but I think I am mourning the fact that now I never will and it’s not fair. I hate that phrase “not fair” because kids say it and it’s annoying and frustrating…but it’s the only phrase I can come up with for this. And I really do ultimately fully blame my grandmother. She was horrible to my mother when she was pregnant, she was horrible to me when she disowned me, and I found out that she was horrible for years to my step mom, saying awful and cruel things to her for now reason…and my step mom may very well be the sweetest human being I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. I adore her and can’t even understand having the ability to say something awful to her. My paternal grandmother is a vile and cruel human. I can’t honestly think of any other way to say it…I thought I had let go of past anger and hurt regarding what she did and said to me…and then this happened and it all rose back to the surface.

Everyone I’ve talked to about it, they all tell me that what I’m feeling is very valid and I have every right to feel this way and I know they are right. But I just didn’t expect it. I was completely blindsided. I don’t know if it’s grief for the actual loss of my grandpa, or for the ability to ever meet him and have him in my life or maybe both, but it’s put me in a pretty negative head space right now. I’ve been crying, I cried some in the car on my way home from work and now crying while I’ve written this and it’s giving me a headache. I hate that I can’t fucking cry without getting a migraine. FML! I’m gonna go lay down and attempt to sleep in this hot ass house. Maybe I will feel better in the morning, but I am not holding my breath.