Tag: friends

family, friends, mental shit, the past

Hormones are bullshit!

City Grown Willow

I wrote about it when it happened in January. I was litereally ghosted by my best friend of 23 years. First I got angry… like really angry. Then I became indifferent. I just didn’t care because I felt she couldn’t show me the consideration of an explanation, why should I give a shit. Then I got pregnant, and my hormones are out of control and have my emotions all over the place. I can go from raging angry to bawling in just minutes…

I haven’t been bawling over Taylor, but it’s been weighing heavily on me… bothering me a lot. So, I decided to reach out, I emailed her, because I’m blocked on Social and I deleted her phone number when this happened out of anger. So, I wrote an email, saying it was for closure on my part… though, it made me feel better immediately when I sent it… and I didn’t, honestly, expect a reply, but it’s bothering me that she didn’t. I mean who does that? Who throws 23 years away without so much as an explanation? I don’t know what I said or did and she didn’t tell me, she just suddenly blocked me on Social… that is literally how I found out, by trying to look at her IG or FB, I don’t remember which, but I went and I was blocked and removed. I always try to talk to someone when I’m upset with them, and I’d extended that courtesy to her in the past… and yet, here we are. I’m left wondering.

And being pregnant with all these damn hormones has me all up in my damn feels over it. I mean if I knew that I had said or done something shitty… then maybe it wouldn’t bother me… but I didn’t. And if she thinks I did then she took something I said the wrong way, and couldn’t even say anything. I don’t want to have feelings over this anymore, it’s stupid. It was 8 months ago and why should I care anymore… but here we are. And in the email I said, if you reply, cool, if not, no worries. I guess I just thought that she would reply… even if just something brief… I dunno. It’s all so damn stupid… If you are mad at a friend… fucking talk to them, tell them why, if you can’t work it out, then Okay, by all means go your separate ways, but at least give them a chance… especially if it’s been 23 fucking years.

23 years. We met the first day of high school and were immediately inseparable best friends. We talked to each other essentially every day. When we were in school, we were together every day and if we weren’t, we passed notes. After HS when we got cell phones, we texted every single day… all day, every day, even back when it was T9 texting before smart phones. So, to say I’m hurt is a truth. I’m hurt that she couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to me first. I can’t know what was going on in her head, or what is… but I valued our friendship more than that, more than to just throw away 23 years over… over I don’t know what! And I thought she did to.

On another note I am 17 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. Everything is going well. We will find out the sex on October 1st and then my friend Tracy and her daughter are doing a gender reveal photoshoot with me… I have it planned, it’s gonna be super cute and fun and themed for October… and I promise no fires will be started like the morons in California.

Uncategorized

Don’t need you and never did…

City Grown Willow

My “best” friend ghosted and blocked me with no explanation. Didn’t bother to try and talk to me if I had done something to upset her. Apparently she lacks common decency. So I have blocked her back and I am done. No going back this time because, honestly, it’s not the first time she’s done something of this nature. It’s happened multiple times over the course of our 22 year friendship. Just over it!

In other news, I found my first love on IG, a while back.so I was like hmmm what’s he up to now, because he was in school for music and I was like that’s actually pretty cool because he always loved music. Well upon my latest snoop I discovered he is a Trump supporter, and I am not kidding in the slightest when I say I had a physical reaction. I gagged and threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Also, you know, a lot of time has passed since he did what he did to me. But, I’ll be damned if hearing the song “Break Down Here” by Julie Roberts, which was my break up anthem for him, doesn’t still give me goosebumps.

I’m essentially recovered from my surgery. Muscles are still a bit tight, but getting better all the time. I started wearing lip color… Which I never do except for my make up for Halloween if it’s required. And I’m kind of obsessed! I have a red, a peach and three shades of pink. Also, I shaved my head again… But now I am really going to try and grow it! 😫😂

family, friends, love, mental shit, spiritual, the past

Broken

City Grown Willow

I have really been struggling. I’ve cycled into a low… the perks of being bipolar. I feel broken right now. I feel sad, my heart hurts. Being cooped up for weeks for surgery recovery messes with you. I’ve been a lot more emotional and have cried a lot, over stuff I can’t do anything about, over stuff that hasn’t happened and probably won’t, over past things that can’t be changed and people who disappeared along the way, over silly things that aren’t important, over the character’s on the shows I’ve been watching. I’m in a low cycle of my bipolar and it sucks. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.

I’ve cried over Chyann more lately. She hates us, or thinks she does, because she blames us…I hope she figures it out eventually. I miss her. I miss my little girl. I didn’t give birth to her, she’s not my child by blood, but she is by love…and I love her so much. I raised her for nearly a decade, and it hurts to not have her here, or even speaking to us. I did stop contact with her last summer. I gave her wide opening to come and see us when we were in K-Falls for a family gathering, and she chose not to, and to not even say anything to me about it. I had to choose J, because he’s my husband, and it wasn’t fair for me to be talking to her when she wouldn’t talk to him too. I don’t think she understands that. But we both hurt over this. We both love her and always will, and we both miss her and hope that she some day finds her way back to us. Somehow.

I’ve cried over Steven recently too, and it’s not the loss of my first love, but the loss of someone I thought was my best friend for years and then he chose to just disappear from my life because he met his now wife and I guess decided there wasn’t room for me as a friend in his life anymore. Things got left messy with us, and even though I have found my true, once in a lifetime love with J, I miss my friend. The one who would argue with me over Metallica being the greatest band of all time, the one who I had to hide his Metallica paraphernalia at my place because his parents were too strict. The friend I would talk to all the way from boot camp, and write letters to when he was in Afghanistan. There is gonna be a hole there forever.

I’ve cried over Poppy and Papa Ray and Sherry and Tabby Lu. I’ve cried over the fires in Australia, I have friends there who are suffering, and my heart can’t take all the animals gone and devastation. I’ve been trying to talk J into another dog because I’ve seen so many horrors of neglect and abuse lately that I want to rescue them all, I know that’s not possible, but one more is a possibility. My heart hurts for the loss of the relationship I had with my uncle. He was like my dad…and something happened that changed the man I knew, and he’s not that man anymore. He’ll talk to me a little when I visit mamaw, but he’s not the same. We used to joke and torment each other, it hurts to watch someone you love change like that. I’ve cried because mamaw’s health is declining and I fear she may not be with us long enough to meet the child/ren we adopt. I’ve cried over that too, I’m good with adopting, I am, there are children in need but it hurts that I couldn’t make a baby with my husband.

I’ve cried over the grandpa I never got to know or even meet once who passed away this year. My dad’s dad. I never got to know him because my grandmother(and I use that term loosely, was and is not a nice woman, and she refused to believe I was my father’s when I was born, then she disowned me at 20 because she disagreed with my moral and political views. And in the 17 years since then, she said one sentence to me via FB, “Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better…” And now he’s gone and I’ll never get to meet him. My only connection is my Aunt Dixie, and she tells me he loved me, and that I remind her of him. Even my dad doesn’t talk to me bout him, so I am very thankful for my Auntie…

I’m just tired of being home alone most of the time and having time to think…my brain is overactive as it is, I was coloring to keep myself occupied but I got tired of that. So back to just binging Netflix. I binged Once Upon a Time and The Vampire Diaries…and I bawled over both.

I’ve discovered, thanks to an Amazon Alexa ad, Lewis Capaldi, his music is so good, and as a fun fact that this nerd had to find out…I saw the name Capaldi and said, oh come on, he has to be related to Peter…and he is…he is the 12th Doctor’s cousin! ❤ I’m listening to him right now and it’s probably not helping, because his music is so sad…but that’s me, in all my enneagram 4w5 glory…feeling utterly broken and listening to the saddest music I can find. As a teen, when the pain was so overwhelming, I would lay in my shitty waterbed in our shitty apartment and play the song Bleed by Cold on repeat. Lately I feel like that same broken 17 year old girl, even though it’s been 20 years.

dreams, eddie vedder, family, friends, love, migraines, pearl jam, tattoos, the past, the walking dead, weightloss journey

tid bits…

City Grown Willow

Those nails I got that were so damn pretty…yeah I lasted a little over a week…and then I took them off, I want so desperately to have them, but I can’t handle the way they feel…I can feel them on my nails and they feel like my nails can’t breathe, and every time they catch its so painful…so yeah I took them off. My aunt told me it runs in the family, she is that way with even nail polish.

I started a re-watch of TWD because I won’t make it til October…because I’m obsessed. I dreamt that I got a tattoo of a Walker bite and now I am thinking of doing it. Probably not just any Walker bite though, thinking of Carl’s bite. lol Also TWD gives me anxiety, and yet I can’t stop watching…even re-watching, it is still giving me anxiety…lol

Also someone told me to watch the show Black Summer on Netflix, and I saw a meme of people saying the show causes stress…that made me want to watch it more. I have decided I have severe psychological issues… *shrug*

My “best friend” Tabatha has stopped speaking to me. I told her in March that she was being a shitty friend, she doesn’t show any interest in my life or what we’re doing…only about telling me about her bullshit drama(which she creates herself, btw) and trying to get my advice, and when I give it to her, at least half the time my advice thoughts, opinions, advice, piss her off because I call her out on her bullshit…well she of course got pissed at me telling her she wasn’t being a good friend and hasn’t talked to me since. I waited 6 weeks and she still didn’t talk to me so I removed her from my social media…I am done. I’ve known her since we were 5 and I thought she was my best friend, but clearly not really…so whatever, I’m over it.

I have a true best friend who I have known since the first day of HS, Taylor, she’s legit! ❤

We are going to New Hampshire this weekend for my hubby to walk at his college graduation, even though he still has classes until August, he gets to walk now. I’m so proud of him. He’s done so amazing in school while working full time, dealing with a lot of shit from his daughter, my step daughter, but he’s still managed to pull ALL straight As…I’m super excited to watch my hunnybear graduate! ❤

Also I am on a kick of “nothing but Eddie Vedder’s voice in my ears will do!” It’s like I can’t breathe if I’m not listening to him…so It’s been several days now of a PJ/EV playlist and Ten in the car because my car only has a CD player.

I think that’s it for now I am so tired I can’t think and I had a headache most of the day…so I think I’m gonna crash soon. Oh oh yeah…I am down 15 lbs!!

Goodnight, all!