Tag: loss

family, friends, love, mental shit, spiritual, the past

Broken

City Grown Willow

I have really been struggling. I’ve cycled into a low… the perks of being bipolar. I feel broken right now. I feel sad, my heart hurts. Being cooped up for weeks for surgery recovery messes with you. I’ve been a lot more emotional and have cried a lot, over stuff I can’t do anything about, over stuff that hasn’t happened and probably won’t, over past things that can’t be changed and people who disappeared along the way, over silly things that aren’t important, over the character’s on the shows I’ve been watching. I’m in a low cycle of my bipolar and it sucks. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.

I’ve cried over Chyann more lately. She hates us, or thinks she does, because she blames us…I hope she figures it out eventually. I miss her. I miss my little girl. I didn’t give birth to her, she’s not my child by blood, but she is by love…and I love her so much. I raised her for nearly a decade, and it hurts to not have her here, or even speaking to us. I did stop contact with her last summer. I gave her wide opening to come and see us when we were in K-Falls for a family gathering, and she chose not to, and to not even say anything to me about it. I had to choose J, because he’s my husband, and it wasn’t fair for me to be talking to her when she wouldn’t talk to him too. I don’t think she understands that. But we both hurt over this. We both love her and always will, and we both miss her and hope that she some day finds her way back to us. Somehow.

I’ve cried over Steven recently too, and it’s not the loss of my first love, but the loss of someone I thought was my best friend for years and then he chose to just disappear from my life because he met his now wife and I guess decided there wasn’t room for me as a friend in his life anymore. Things got left messy with us, and even though I have found my true, once in a lifetime love with J, I miss my friend. The one who would argue with me over Metallica being the greatest band of all time, the one who I had to hide his Metallica paraphernalia at my place because his parents were too strict. The friend I would talk to all the way from boot camp, and write letters to when he was in Afghanistan. There is gonna be a hole there forever.

I’ve cried over Poppy and Papa Ray and Sherry and Tabby Lu. I’ve cried over the fires in Australia, I have friends there who are suffering, and my heart can’t take all the animals gone and devastation. I’ve been trying to talk J into another dog because I’ve seen so many horrors of neglect and abuse lately that I want to rescue them all, I know that’s not possible, but one more is a possibility. My heart hurts for the loss of the relationship I had with my uncle. He was like my dad…and something happened that changed the man I knew, and he’s not that man anymore. He’ll talk to me a little when I visit mamaw, but he’s not the same. We used to joke and torment each other, it hurts to watch someone you love change like that. I’ve cried because mamaw’s health is declining and I fear she may not be with us long enough to meet the child/ren we adopt. I’ve cried over that too, I’m good with adopting, I am, there are children in need but it hurts that I couldn’t make a baby with my husband.

I’ve cried over the grandpa I never got to know or even meet once who passed away this year. My dad’s dad. I never got to know him because my grandmother(and I use that term loosely, was and is not a nice woman, and she refused to believe I was my father’s when I was born, then she disowned me at 20 because she disagreed with my moral and political views. And in the 17 years since then, she said one sentence to me via FB, “Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better…” And now he’s gone and I’ll never get to meet him. My only connection is my Aunt Dixie, and she tells me he loved me, and that I remind her of him. Even my dad doesn’t talk to me bout him, so I am very thankful for my Auntie…

I’m just tired of being home alone most of the time and having time to think…my brain is overactive as it is, I was coloring to keep myself occupied but I got tired of that. So back to just binging Netflix. I binged Once Upon a Time and The Vampire Diaries…and I bawled over both.

I’ve discovered, thanks to an Amazon Alexa ad, Lewis Capaldi, his music is so good, and as a fun fact that this nerd had to find out…I saw the name Capaldi and said, oh come on, he has to be related to Peter…and he is…he is the 12th Doctor’s cousin! ❤ I’m listening to him right now and it’s probably not helping, because his music is so sad…but that’s me, in all my enneagram 4w5 glory…feeling utterly broken and listening to the saddest music I can find. As a teen, when the pain was so overwhelming, I would lay in my shitty waterbed in our shitty apartment and play the song Bleed by Cold on repeat. Lately I feel like that same broken 17 year old girl, even though it’s been 20 years.

coffee, family, friends, love, mental shit, migraines, the past, weird shit

Blindsided by grief

City Grown Willow

So, my dad was not part of my life growing up. His mother vehemently denied that I was his until I was 18. When I was 18 I met her and saw my dad and step mom for the first time in 14 years, and met my little brother, who is 4 years younger than me. I did not get to meet my grandfather however, he was working or out of town or something. I really can’t remember as this was 18 years ago. Three years later my grandmother would have a fit about my political/religious beliefs and other random bits about myself—. I’m quite liberal, I believe in equal rights for all, I’m pro-choice…just to name a few. She disowned me, flat out, she said she could not accept me…my father was still very much under her influence at that time as well, and he went with it. I didn’t speak to him again until I was 25…I went in search of him and found him. We have gotten to know each other and are friends now, he also told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and acknowledged his wrongs, that was 4 years ago. We talk often. My grandmother found me on Facebook about 8 or 9 years ago, she sent me a friend request and I accepted it. In that time she has said 1 thing to me…”Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better.” As if my diagnosis has any bearing on my beliefs. In case you don’t understand…IT DOES NOT! The two are not related at all. She has not said anything to me since, and I unfriended her recently…because I feel that if she can’t make an effort to really get to know me or try to show that she cares…then why bother. This is all really just background information for the real reason I am posting.

A couple of months ago, my Aunt(dad’s sister) texted me and told me that my grandpa Joe was not doing well and she would be caring for him, she didn’t give me details, but said she would later, she just wanted my dad’s phone number, as they don’t speak to each other and haven’t for years. Well, I never heard anything more from her…the other day, my cousin on that side, whom I adore, messaged me to make sure I knew what was going on and that he would be going into hospice soon. He had cancer, it was a recent thing, but I guess it progressed rather quickly. He went into hospice on Monday, 6/10, he passed away early this morning. My dad texted me. Now when I was talking to my cousin and she was telling me about it…i didn’t feel anything…like ok, I felt bad for all of them because they were losing this family patriarch that they all adored, but I felt nothing because I didn’t know him. By all accounts, (Dad, Aunt, cousin and even my own mother who can’t stand my dad’s family because of how they treated her and I) he was a wonderful man, and he would have been accepting of me as his granddaughter and I’ve even been told that he loved me, despite having never met me. I wasn’t feeling anything though because I have no attachment to him. Fast forward to today and my dad’s text…then I messaged my Aunt to give my condolences, and after a bit I started feeling sadness and anger I did not expect. Sadness and anger over being nearly 37 years old and having never met and gotten to know my paternal grandfather. Sadness that it is unfair, and I was gypped out of a relationship with him. Anger, a little at him for not having ever reached out to me, but mostly at his wife, my grandmother, for being the vile and cruel human being that she is and gypping me out of that relationship. It also brought up all my feelings over the loss of both of my grandfather’s on my mother’s side. My biological grandpa, Poppy, was killed by a drunk driver when I was 8. My grandma eventually remarried and I grew up with Papa Ray and loved him with all my heart, and he passed away from heart failure a little over 4 years ago. I really struggled with not crying at work today.

I just took a walk on my lunch to Dutch Bros and got a small coffee and the new guy at work walked with me and I talked to him about it. I talked to my hubby, my mom and my bestie about it today too. I also shared on the FB group I run for my girl gang. I just never expected to feel this way because I didn’t know him, but I think I am mourning the fact that now I never will and it’s not fair. I hate that phrase “not fair” because kids say it and it’s annoying and frustrating…but it’s the only phrase I can come up with for this. And I really do ultimately fully blame my grandmother. She was horrible to my mother when she was pregnant, she was horrible to me when she disowned me, and I found out that she was horrible for years to my step mom, saying awful and cruel things to her for now reason…and my step mom may very well be the sweetest human being I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. I adore her and can’t even understand having the ability to say something awful to her. My paternal grandmother is a vile and cruel human. I can’t honestly think of any other way to say it…I thought I had let go of past anger and hurt regarding what she did and said to me…and then this happened and it all rose back to the surface.

Everyone I’ve talked to about it, they all tell me that what I’m feeling is very valid and I have every right to feel this way and I know they are right. But I just didn’t expect it. I was completely blindsided. I don’t know if it’s grief for the actual loss of my grandpa, or for the ability to ever meet him and have him in my life or maybe both, but it’s put me in a pretty negative head space right now. I’ve been crying, I cried some in the car on my way home from work and now crying while I’ve written this and it’s giving me a headache. I hate that I can’t fucking cry without getting a migraine. FML! I’m gonna go lay down and attempt to sleep in this hot ass house. Maybe I will feel better in the morning, but I am not holding my breath.