Tag: music

family, friends, love, mental shit, spiritual, the past

Broken

City Grown Willow

I have really been struggling. I’ve cycled into a low… the perks of being bipolar. I feel broken right now. I feel sad, my heart hurts. Being cooped up for weeks for surgery recovery messes with you. I’ve been a lot more emotional and have cried a lot, over stuff I can’t do anything about, over stuff that hasn’t happened and probably won’t, over past things that can’t be changed and people who disappeared along the way, over silly things that aren’t important, over the character’s on the shows I’ve been watching. I’m in a low cycle of my bipolar and it sucks. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.

I’ve cried over Chyann more lately. She hates us, or thinks she does, because she blames us…I hope she figures it out eventually. I miss her. I miss my little girl. I didn’t give birth to her, she’s not my child by blood, but she is by love…and I love her so much. I raised her for nearly a decade, and it hurts to not have her here, or even speaking to us. I did stop contact with her last summer. I gave her wide opening to come and see us when we were in K-Falls for a family gathering, and she chose not to, and to not even say anything to me about it. I had to choose J, because he’s my husband, and it wasn’t fair for me to be talking to her when she wouldn’t talk to him too. I don’t think she understands that. But we both hurt over this. We both love her and always will, and we both miss her and hope that she some day finds her way back to us. Somehow.

I’ve cried over Steven recently too, and it’s not the loss of my first love, but the loss of someone I thought was my best friend for years and then he chose to just disappear from my life because he met his now wife and I guess decided there wasn’t room for me as a friend in his life anymore. Things got left messy with us, and even though I have found my true, once in a lifetime love with J, I miss my friend. The one who would argue with me over Metallica being the greatest band of all time, the one who I had to hide his Metallica paraphernalia at my place because his parents were too strict. The friend I would talk to all the way from boot camp, and write letters to when he was in Afghanistan. There is gonna be a hole there forever.

I’ve cried over Poppy and Papa Ray and Sherry and Tabby Lu. I’ve cried over the fires in Australia, I have friends there who are suffering, and my heart can’t take all the animals gone and devastation. I’ve been trying to talk J into another dog because I’ve seen so many horrors of neglect and abuse lately that I want to rescue them all, I know that’s not possible, but one more is a possibility. My heart hurts for the loss of the relationship I had with my uncle. He was like my dad…and something happened that changed the man I knew, and he’s not that man anymore. He’ll talk to me a little when I visit mamaw, but he’s not the same. We used to joke and torment each other, it hurts to watch someone you love change like that. I’ve cried because mamaw’s health is declining and I fear she may not be with us long enough to meet the child/ren we adopt. I’ve cried over that too, I’m good with adopting, I am, there are children in need but it hurts that I couldn’t make a baby with my husband.

I’ve cried over the grandpa I never got to know or even meet once who passed away this year. My dad’s dad. I never got to know him because my grandmother(and I use that term loosely, was and is not a nice woman, and she refused to believe I was my father’s when I was born, then she disowned me at 20 because she disagreed with my moral and political views. And in the 17 years since then, she said one sentence to me via FB, “Now that I know you’re bipolar, I understand you better…” And now he’s gone and I’ll never get to meet him. My only connection is my Aunt Dixie, and she tells me he loved me, and that I remind her of him. Even my dad doesn’t talk to me bout him, so I am very thankful for my Auntie…

I’m just tired of being home alone most of the time and having time to think…my brain is overactive as it is, I was coloring to keep myself occupied but I got tired of that. So back to just binging Netflix. I binged Once Upon a Time and The Vampire Diaries…and I bawled over both.

I’ve discovered, thanks to an Amazon Alexa ad, Lewis Capaldi, his music is so good, and as a fun fact that this nerd had to find out…I saw the name Capaldi and said, oh come on, he has to be related to Peter…and he is…he is the 12th Doctor’s cousin! ❤ I’m listening to him right now and it’s probably not helping, because his music is so sad…but that’s me, in all my enneagram 4w5 glory…feeling utterly broken and listening to the saddest music I can find. As a teen, when the pain was so overwhelming, I would lay in my shitty waterbed in our shitty apartment and play the song Bleed by Cold on repeat. Lately I feel like that same broken 17 year old girl, even though it’s been 20 years.

dreams, eddie vedder, family, friends, love, migraines, pearl jam, tattoos, the past, the walking dead, weightloss journey

tid bits…

City Grown Willow

Those nails I got that were so damn pretty…yeah I lasted a little over a week…and then I took them off, I want so desperately to have them, but I can’t handle the way they feel…I can feel them on my nails and they feel like my nails can’t breathe, and every time they catch its so painful…so yeah I took them off. My aunt told me it runs in the family, she is that way with even nail polish.

I started a re-watch of TWD because I won’t make it til October…because I’m obsessed. I dreamt that I got a tattoo of a Walker bite and now I am thinking of doing it. Probably not just any Walker bite though, thinking of Carl’s bite. lol Also TWD gives me anxiety, and yet I can’t stop watching…even re-watching, it is still giving me anxiety…lol

Also someone told me to watch the show Black Summer on Netflix, and I saw a meme of people saying the show causes stress…that made me want to watch it more. I have decided I have severe psychological issues… *shrug*

My “best friend” Tabatha has stopped speaking to me. I told her in March that she was being a shitty friend, she doesn’t show any interest in my life or what we’re doing…only about telling me about her bullshit drama(which she creates herself, btw) and trying to get my advice, and when I give it to her, at least half the time my advice thoughts, opinions, advice, piss her off because I call her out on her bullshit…well she of course got pissed at me telling her she wasn’t being a good friend and hasn’t talked to me since. I waited 6 weeks and she still didn’t talk to me so I removed her from my social media…I am done. I’ve known her since we were 5 and I thought she was my best friend, but clearly not really…so whatever, I’m over it.

I have a true best friend who I have known since the first day of HS, Taylor, she’s legit! ❤

We are going to New Hampshire this weekend for my hubby to walk at his college graduation, even though he still has classes until August, he gets to walk now. I’m so proud of him. He’s done so amazing in school while working full time, dealing with a lot of shit from his daughter, my step daughter, but he’s still managed to pull ALL straight As…I’m super excited to watch my hunnybear graduate! ❤

Also I am on a kick of “nothing but Eddie Vedder’s voice in my ears will do!” It’s like I can’t breathe if I’m not listening to him…so It’s been several days now of a PJ/EV playlist and Ten in the car because my car only has a CD player.

I think that’s it for now I am so tired I can’t think and I had a headache most of the day…so I think I’m gonna crash soon. Oh oh yeah…I am down 15 lbs!!

Goodnight, all!

coffee, love, musical memories, weightloss journey, weird shit

tiredAF…

City Grown Willow

I just can’t seem to wake up today. I drank coffee, didn’t help, usually does, but not today. I think this sickness is still trying to kick my butt. I’m over the real bad part of it, but still have the cough, and it’s messing with my sleep, I think. I wish I could sleep for days! I want to hibernate!

I rediscovered Type O Negative yesterday…I say rediscovered, because it’s been forever since I listened to them. Probably not since around the time Peter Steele died. They are probably a bad choice for today, but I am listening anyway. I say that because his voice could lull me to sleep. I find their music so relaxing and with as tired as I am today I could pass out easy given the opportunity.

I wish I could go get Dutch Bros…I could use a coffee boost…I love my white coffee!!! ❤ I have some for making it myself at home, but the problem is I think you really need an espresso machine, which I don’t have…and so it never tastes good when I try and make it in my regular 1 cup machine. It tastes downright disgusting actually…like water and then the creamer makes it taste like spoiled milk…lol BLECH! But the DB drink is heaven! I get an Almond bar latte with White coffee, it has white mocha and almond flavoring.

Facebook and Instagram are broken…have been since like 8am…I can’t comment or post or anything, it’s annoyingAF!!! Come on guys fix the issue!

So the weirdest thing just happened, I texted my hubby, re: our banfield wellness plans, which one of just went up in price…anyway, I sent one message and he received something else…we were confused and trying to fig it out and finally just ended up sending each other screen shots because he didn’t understand my text and I had no idea what he didn’t get because I thought it was rather clear, plus I explained it again. I am attaching a pic of both texts. So I looked it up on google and apparently this s something that happens sometimes, and it’s caused by two text messages crossing out there in cyberspace or whatever you wanna call it. And I guess the other recipient got the end of my message…? The pink is my original text and the green is what he received.

Talk about strange! He says it’s the NSA and I say Mike TV got scrambled in the airwaves…lol If you’re an 80’s kid you’ll get my joke….if you’re an adult in the USA right now you’ll get his…lol

I’m still doing well with eating better. I’m eating smaller snacks through out the day, but also making better choices as to what those snacks are. I haven’t lost anymore weight this week yet though. But I’m still improving my habits. I also learned that for every pound you lose, it relieves 4 pounds of pressure off of your knees and 6 pounds of pressure off of your hips, that’s good news for my hips! My left one has been acting up for two days now. I don’t know why exactly either.

I guess that’s all I’ve got right now…I got some work to do.

eddie vedder, love, musical memories

musical musings…

City Grown Willow

At work right now…It’s kinda quiet today though.

AFI’s album Sing the Sorrow turns 16 today. That album got me through a lot of shit. It’s one of my favorite albums of all time. I love AFI so much, one of my top 5 bands. I saw them in concert in August 2017. It was amazing, even got my daughter to fall in love with their music. My husband hated it…but I think even worse than the music was the atmosphere for him…but he doesn’t like that style of music either, and the two opening bands were terrible.

So I mentioned yesterday also, that I saw Lucero in November, they are definitely now one of my top 5 bands as well. Like they kinda already were before I saw them live, and then that cemented it. Even though I saw them at Dante’s which is a terrible venue with lousy acoustics…the show was still FUCKING AMAZING!!! I missed buying my ticket when they were on sale, but luckily I found someone who had an extra ticket they needed to sell. I didn’t take a bunch of pics, I just took one, and enjoyed the music.

Lucero @ Dante’s in PDX on 11/10/18

I really would love to see them again. I hope they are back in PDX soon. Shortly after this concert they got some National recognition when they performed and interviewed on GMA, I think was the show. And I think that is pretty badass, but at the same time, I was thinking oh damn, now they’re gonna get super famous and they’ll play bigger venues and ticket prices will go up and tons of other people will want to go see them so it will be harder to get tickets…haha I might have been thinking a little selfishly…but I just love them so much! ❤

I first discovered Lucero because I was listening to a station on iheartradio based off of Christian Kane, and a song called “Last Pale Light in the West” came on, it is by Ben Nichols, the front man for Lucero, on his solo album. I fell in love with that song, and found the album to listen to, then late found he front Lucero and I fell in love with that as well. My favorite of their albums is Tennessee, but they are ALL amazing! And that song, plus one other by Ben have been featured on one of my favorite TV shows, The Walking Dead!!! ❤

This past weekend there was a PJ tribute band show in PDX, also included Nirvana and Mother Love Bone tributes, I wanted to go so bad, but didn’t get to. It was called Flannel Fest, hopefully they’ll come back here again…maybe next year.

I am getting a new Pearl Jam tattoo soon, in the next couple of weeks. “Given to fly…” in Eddie’s handwriting from his lyrics journal. It’s going to go along my right collar bone opposite my humming bird. I really can’t wait til I can start the Eddie Vedder portrait tattoo. That one will be gorgeous! ❤

Creative, dreams, eddie vedder, family, friends, love, musical memories, pearl jam, shopping, spiritual, the past
City Grown Willow

Ok, so I am a week and a half late with this post, but I was exhausted, and had to finish out my last 2 weeks at the job I was at…yup, I got a new job and that’s a whole other topc, I start it tomorrow…but this post is all about the trip to Seattle to see my saving grace, Pearl Jam!!!

So Here is how this is going to go down…I’m going to write about the whole trip and then I will post all the pictures…well not all of them because I took way too many at MoPop, but I have gathered my favorites from there. So the first thing you should know, that for a fan like me, not just of Pearl Jam, but grunge in general…traveling to Seattle is like visiting the motherland…of grunge, it’s a sacred experience!

 

So we arrived in Seattle at 10am and went and ate some food and then caught a bus over to Easy Street Records, I honestly just wanted to see the Mother Love Bone Mural and get pics, but not only that I looked up and there were two of my FB PJ friends, Art and Stephanie, so I got to meet them and talk for a couple minutes and get a pic and Art gave me a copy of the newest “mixtape” CD they had made, they do that make mixes of PJ stuff and give them out. Then we went inside Easy Street and OMG, it’s amazing!!! So much memorabilia for not just PJ but all of them!!! I took a lot of pics and got a couple souvenirs. Then I connected on FB with my friend Denise and we both headed from our locations down to Pike Place Market to meet up! I got to see the gumwall and added my own gum, it was sooo cool! Such a bizarre thing, but at the same time this amazing piece of living art because it’s always constantly changing. It was awesome to meet her and her awesome family! Her hubby is from New Zealand and her song is a giant…lol Then hubby and I went shopping at the market and got some cool stuff. It was really hot though and the market is mostly outside and they have like no where to sit so we decided to go to the hotel, and at our hotel they had a Starbucks so we sat there til check-in time and charged our phones and drank iced tea…lol Also met a sweet family of ladies, a mom and her two teen daughters who had flown in from Texas for the show and they were flying back out immediately after. It was a graduation gift to the older daughter. We chatted a lot because I’m from Texas and we all love PJ. Then we finally got to check-in and we went up and settled into the hotel, and then went downstairs to eat at Ruth’s Chris as our anniversary dinner, as our wedding anniversary was the night before. Then we ran back up to the hotel room for our tickets and headed to Safeco. It was insane trying to get in…sooooo unorganized and things labeled wrong. I even had to throw my purse away because you can’t take anything bigger than a wristlet into the venue…I had looked up the rules for Safeco, having no idea that PJ set their own rules. Luckily it was an old purse and I didn’t care so much, so everything important went into Jason’s cargo pockets and my little make up bag and that was it…lol So the guy who bought our 3rd ticket was actually from Australia and he was ADORABLE! The show started 1 hour late, and really I don’t know how it goes at most of them because this is my only experience but I think it was because of how disorganized it was to get through the gates.

All of a sudden the regular music pumping over the PA system shut off and the music for Aye Davanita started and then the stage lights came on and we could see the guys taking their places. They opened with Long Road but then they played RELEASE! I think I died a little when they started that one…I died a little several times. They played everything I could have asked for except Daughter. I got Corduroy(my fave song since I was 15), I got Black…extended version(We Belong together)…I got Lightning Bolt, I got Neil Young covers, I just got it all. Release, while not my fave song, is a very important one to me and I was moved nearly to tears by it. I would have cried had they played Daughter. It is one thing to listen to their albums, you feel it…but to be there in that stadium and feel Mike and Stone’s guitar, Jeff’s bass, Matt’s drums, Booms Keys and especially Eddie’s voice physically reverberate through your body, it’s a sacred and other worldly experience. This was the most amazing experience of my life to date…and you can bet your ass I will see them again!!! Pearl Jam fever is a very real thing!!!

On Thursday we went and had brunch with my bff Taylor, and then went to MoPop and went through essentially every exhibit. And then went to the space needle, Jason had to bribe me with food to get me to go up in the needle though. And then we got up there and they have the new lower deck glad floor, and I stood on it and took a pic…yeah me the one who was terrified, but Jason, the one who wanted to go up, would not step foot on the glass floor…BOOM! I got a t-shirt and a badass seattle made float out of the deal for being so brave! lol

Here are the pictures…

 

 

 

 

 

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This last picture is a poster Jason bought for me at Pike Place Market. I had to have it, my boys played with Metallica, on my hubby’s 11th birthday in my hometown of Houston at the ASTRODOME!!! HELLS YEAH!!! lol

Safeco night 2, they did play Daughter, and my friend Denice who I met at Pike Place, she went live on Facebook just for me so I could hear it, I was just going to bed, I cried watching the live feed of that song. ❤