I am feeling very low today. It’s about my “father” or rather, biological sperm donor. He was never around… supposedly we’re friends now, but I feel like that’s a load of shit really, and guess why…? Because I stand on the stark opposite side of politics as him and I think it pisses him off. I know where he stands and while yes, it bothers me, I let it go because I stand on the stark opposite side of it as my mother, too, but guess what? We can still get along and just don’t discuss politics anymore.
He doesn’t care enough about me for that to be the case though. I don’t know why it surprises me anymore, or why it still bothers me, but it does. To the point that typing this I’m almost in tears.
This is HIS problem… it is NOT mine. It’s not that I’m not good enough. It’s that I’m too good and he can’t handle me. I KNOW this TRUTH, but it still hurts.
I’m pregnant and when I told him, I got “wow…congrats” that was it. That was 7 weeks ago, and he hasn’t checked on me or asked how I am since. He never texts me, I always text first. My brother and his wife just had their fourth baby last month and my father gets super excited over that… but not for me.
He does not care. He does not love me. He didn’t really mean it when he said he was sorry for not being there for me. He has never meant one word he has said to me in the last 11 years. That is clear now.
According to my aunt, his sister… their mother, my grandmother, whom I have not said 5 words to since I was 20 is excited for us. My aunt is thrilled. She told me she sees how he is with my brother and she sees how he is with me and she understands because she has never felt like he loved her either…she’s his little sister and he doesn’t even care about her… there must be something seriously and fundementally wrong with him.
And no, this shouldn’t upset me as much as it does after almost 38 years… but it does. My aunt told me not to say anything, that nothing good would come from it… and she’s probably right. I just want to say something SO BADLY. I want the asshole to know how he makes me feel… I’d hope he would feel bad, but he’s probably not capable of it.
And now I am in tears.
Ok, But First Coffee! 